Hello, May

1. Keep up with the daily walks.
2. Clean out the closets.
3. Get the ball rolling on the window replacement.
4. Plan our trip to visit Mom & Dad aboard Mistral. 


On the project list, this month I choose:

• to finish the robot quilt
• to make the baby quilt
• to make the cushions for the rocking chair
• to collaborate with a friend on a height chart

Around here

Adorable, frustrating, sweet Simon alternates between getting into the most trouble possible and curling up in tucked away spots snoozing calmly. He's been limping around on a sore foot for a day or so, but there's no wound and it doesn't bother him when we probe it. Maybe he landed on it funny?

Baby toes are making me feel squishy these days.

Radishes. Reliable and rewarding. Always the first goodies out of the garden. I'm charmed by this colorful type I planted this year. Also coming out of the garden--the snow sugar peas. It was fun to switch things up, but I'll be going back to my usual sugar snap pea next time.

But who's keeping track?

Right now

Outside my windows: Construction!  

I am thankful: for the opportunity to travel & spend relaxing time away from home with Brian. It is so good for us, and for me personally, too, but it's really good for us. 

I am wearing: pajamas.  The blue plaid ones. (And hoping nobody comes to the door.)

I am reading: Ahab's Wife, by Sena Jeter Naslund, again. I loved it the first time, and the book has survived several personal library purges over the years. I was curious to see if it held up to rereading. So far, yes and no. The writing is extrordinary. The main character is a bit too good to be true, but for some reason that doesn't annoy me (when often it's the kind of thing that makes me despise a book). 

I am thinking: about the words "average" and "normal," and how they are used interchangeably but have a subtle difference in connotation. It feels important to remember this. Thank you, Bones, for providing this food for thought. 

I am looking forward to: spending Sunday with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law at an antique fair. We went last year, and I loved it. I loved spending time with them, creating memories and building our relationships. And I loved looking at all the stuff. I was expecting lots of velvet lampshades and granny doilies. I saw those, but I also saw lots of items I could see living with and using (including a vintage typewriter that was just so pretty). I gravitate to a graphic, uncluttered look, but infused with an eclectic, historical feel. I just made all that up--I have no idea if it's a real "thing," and I probably wrote it because I was wine tasting recently and that "lingo" is just so cliche (was told verbatim: "This wine is like a slow tango in your mouth." Uhh, what?). Anyway, I'm looking forward to the antique fair with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law.

I am working on: a few scrapbook pages I started a week or so ago and didn't finish then. Two share photos and anecdotes from my college days and one is the story of a friendship with my childhood neighbor.  

I need: to get out of the house today and take the dog for a long walk. 

I am listening to:  Frightened Rabbit.

 

Around the house: telephone games.

Lately

I booked that trip. We spent a couple days in Paso Robles, and we enjoyed it so much. We loved walking around everywhere, I loved the temperature (80s and 90s!), we loved the restaurants (Odyssey Cafe, Cattleman's Lounge, Panolivio), we loved Daou Winery. At home, the irises are blooming their approval over their new location, and you don't see piles of lemons all over the place because I spent an entire day juicing bags of them. Progress on the other goals is iffy.

Yay, for goodness' sake, YAY!!!

This is going to sound crass.

Five years ago, we asked my-father-in-law to give our child a middle name.

For several months, I wondered if we would give my father the same responsibility.

Today was the final day of his radiation treatment. There were hugs and well-wishes from his treatment staff all around. They presented him with a certificate and a rubber bracelet. They said they looked forward to seeing him for his follow-up in 3 months. My mother and I took pictures of him in front of the radiation machine while he comfortingly and predictably explained how it worked. He rang a gong. It was LOUD. He seemed emotional (misty-eyed--probably one of a handful of times (as in ONE hand) I can remember him being misty-eyed in my 40-year life time--and that's not to say that I have even scratched the surface of this man's emotional life), and appreciative and glad. My mother and I were also given rubber bracelets. Then we three went to lunch where we celebrated with (seriously) amazing margaritas and south-of-the-border food.

Lately

Lately

Hello, April

Confession: I am a project starter

I said I was committed to completing my two unfinished quilts before beginning any new projects. It's okay; we can all laugh together now. It was a nice try, but let me be honest here: finishing things is not my favorite part.

When I was thinking about this project, I actually had this thought wander through my head: I wonder if I have 26 different scraps of fabric in my stash? It's okay; we can all laugh together again.

As I was doing this project, I thought: This is going so quickly, I could finish in one day! It's okay; we can all... well, you know.

Right Now

Outside my windows: Construction, radish sprouts, and pear blossom petals.

I am thankful: that with the time change and the changing seasons, sunlight is returning through the downstairs windows and to the corners of my backyard. 

I am going: to spend Easter at my mother-in-law's home, and it will be the first Easter the nephews feel too old to hunt eggs. Mr. Hands is miserable about this. 

I am wearing: patched jeans, a maroon blouse, and grey shoes.

I am reading: Island of the Sequined Love Nun, Christopher Moore; Home, Toni Morrison; Speaking from among the Bones: A Flavia de Luce Novel, Alan Bradley.  

I am thinking: about the stories behind possessions. How we turn things into Meaningful and Important things when the story of how they're acquired includes Meaningful and Important people or Meaningful and Important events. This is both endearing and overwhelming. 

I am looking forward to: an upcoming quilting class. Excited to be starting a new project and learning some new things (hello, flying geese!).

I am working on: Finishing these quilts, this alphabet, and a couple of scrapbook pages about the time I ran away to North Carolina for a wintery month in 1998. 

I need: to find a balance between solitude and community. Last year I worked on my "outreach," so to speak. This year, I've let it slide. I wonder if I'm preparing for adding a third member to our family, and the lack of solitude I'll have for years to come. On the other hand, I think I binge on solitude, and perhaps I should be practicing my relationship building.

I want: to figure out what I'm going to do with my hair. It could use some attention.

I am listening to: "My Young Man," by Esme Patterson and the Feist Channel at Pandora Radio.

Around the house: Grumpy cats, outlets sprouting bulbous "Feliway" diffusers, a wet spot on the stairs (the new carpet, darn you, adorable but infuriating beasts!).  

Something new: A bed for a kid. Love it love it love it.

A favorite: we've been going through our closets, drawers, and the cedar trunk, reacquainting ourselves with our heirloom quilts and blankets. It's time to shake them out and put them to use! I believe nobody who made them for us wanted them tucked away in a shrine. I believe this because I would be delighted to see a quilt I gifted in absolute dingy tatters from use. I hope I'm right, but cats, stay away! 

Hello, 2013 Garden

St. Patrick's Day seems like a good day to get 2013 gardening going. 

And yes, those are shamrock-rainbow socks. Thanks, mom. 

The raised bed got 2 sacks of compost and a good stir. The snow sugar peas got planted, tomato seedlings (Sungold & Japanese Black Trifele) joined them, and some radish seeds were sewn. I'm using two tomato cages for every three plants this year. Totally worried about this, but doing it anyway. 

Also: The pavers are begging for a power washing. I want to finish prepping the other areas of the garden. I'll put more tomatoes in the raised bed. The perennial area could use some pruning and basic attention. What am I going to do with the area by the birch tree? The herbs in pots may move to the other side of the patio. Marigolds in the raised bed, don't forget. 

Lately:

Simon was wounded in a scuffle. I was keeping an eye on it. yuck yuck. | Lots of progress on the sewing projects. | Lemons, still. | Asian Art Museum's Terracotta Warrior exhibit with my folks. | Identity by Milan Kundera. Worth it for these two sentences: She was overwhelmed with so much rage against ... Why is she paying such attention to this bullshit? | Walks. 

Hello, March.

My time is my own; I choose how to spend it or give it away.

This March, I choose to:

...finish the two quilts I have in progress.

...take more photos. Way more photos.

...tackle some big cleaning and uncluttering projects. Like the boxes of teaching materials.

...get the garden prepared (there will be more tomatoes this year, and more flowers!).

...be intentional about setting up the nursery. Enjoy the project. Build it with love, not longing.

Cryptic

This is a calendar...

...that represents 9 days. Today, two of those rings are coming off.

The calendar started with 420 rings, conceptually, that is. It's has taken 2309 days to go 413 days, to get down to 7 remaining days.

I feel like this is one of those things where I should say, "Flash the secret sign if you know what I'm talking about."

Right now

Outside my window: The skeletal branches of the pear tree are bumpy with fuzzy buds.

I am thankful: that I went to the birthday party of a friend whom I hadn't seen in years. I worried it might be awkward to reunite after all that time, but it was actually fun and joyful and only a tiny bit awkward. Next week I am going to the birthday party of a different friend, also one whom I've had barely any contact with for years. (Does running into each other at the farmers' market last spring count? Maybe, but despite our best efforts, never managed to "get coffee and catch up." So sad. But I digress from thankful...) So I am thankful for birthdays and reunions and me stepping into my awkward feelings because of the potential for reconnection, and that the risk paid off.

I am wearing: My painting clothes: long-sleeve Yosemite Institute t-shirt, green pants, flip-flops, bandana on my head.

I am working on: finishing the binding on the quilt I started in my beginning quilting class, and piecing together the half-square triangle blocks into rows for Kate's baby's quilt. But I'm in that stage with both these projects where the work is tedious, and usually I plan or begin or yearn for new projects. I'm not going to let that happen--I'm finishing these before starting anything else quilty. Cross my heart. Also, I'm priming and painting the bed frame.

I am going: out to dinner with Mr. Hands tonight, to celebrate 13 years plus 10 days since our first date.

I am reading: Lucky Bastard, by S.G. Browne (ugh--it's awful).

I am thinking: about relationships and the work that one does or doesn't do to maintain them, and how there's also a natural ebb and flow to these things but there is also effort, and how people are like helium balloons and how easy it is to let the strings that hold them slip from your hands without hardly noticing at all. And I realize this is an imperfect metaphor because people are not balloons and one person isn't holding the string to a healthy relationship, but it's been a useful way to think about it.

I am hoping: that of all the options connected to the news my brother gave me last night regarding my sister-in-law's health, that the best case scenario one is the one that will prevail.

I want: to take the dog for a long walk, to see Bless Me, Ultima, to sit for a while with this melancholy mood that feels soft and familiar, to get compost and mix up the soil in the raised bed.

I need: to plant the "snow sugar" pea hybrid plantlings I purchased last weekend before I kill them with neglect in their plastic pot.

I am listening to: Watership Down, by Richard Adams, narrated by Ralph Cosham, on my iPhone.

Around the house: In the Sofa vs. Cats Conflict of 2013, the sofa has conceded and given up its territory. It's hanging out (in shame) in the demilitarized zone (the garage), being generally in the way and making it difficult to do anything useful in there. The plan is to ignore it until the problem solves itself rent a steam cleaning machine from the grocery store and see what we can to to clean it up. Then give it away or take it to the dump, depending on success. In the meantime, options for replacement are being considered and we're actually eating at the dining table instead of in front of the TV. Oh, who am I kidding? We're eating in front of our computers.

Something new: Carpet on the stairs. And a Selphy 900.

A favorite: Mr. Hands and I are making plans, making decisions, and getting things done for our home. I have written up lists (many many lovely lists) and drawn up a schedule, of course.

Self control? What's that?

So I was in Target yesterday, with my mom, shopping for a baby shower gift from mom to my expecting cousin. And it was fun, and fine, and normal, at first. Just like every other time I ever had a friend or relative about to give birth. Just like every other time I ever needed to select a gift to shower the parents to be with well wishes and items that would make their lives with a child easier.

Just like every other time, until it wasn't. Until I looked around the aisle where I stood debating whether Chrissy would prefer the ladybug plushy light toy or the frog plushy light toy. The grey chevron crib sheets caught my eye. Grey chevron anything would catch my eye. Then the grey polkadot. Then the grey elephant print. I love these colors. I love these patterns. At some point, however, my appreciation went beyond the design and I reacted, strongly, to their purpose--to be adorable in an adorable nursery of an adorable baby, possibly my baby. Possibly my baby.

I was in over my head, immediately. Treading water in a sea of emotions I am totally unfamiliar with, but not the jump-in-the-pool, -tread-water-until-you-side-stroke-over-to-the-edge treading water. The kind of treading water that you do when you're in an ocean and the current is dragging you away from shore and the water is cold and your body heat is fleeing your core and your jaw is clenched but your teeth are still chattering and you've been treading water for a while and you're exhausted and you know your kicks are getting slower and your head is dipping under the surface each time and the waves are filling your mouth because you're breathing totally open mouthed trying to gasp enough air into your aching lungs and it's getting dark and you're pretty sure you are going to be treading water for many many more hours. Like that, I imagine.

I nearly came to tears. I think I hid that from my mom. And all those emotions in that sea I was treading water in? They crashed into one another and chaos ensued, except that they began to speaking to me in a cacophony of voices until they coalesced into one chorus that assured me:

I want these things. I need these things. I should have these things.

I could barely leave the aisle. But I did, and we left the store and went to another where we also looked at baby things, but I did not have a reaction. ("A reaction." What, like it's an allergy?)  And then we left that store and were walking to the car, except that the choral of voices started up as we passed the Target. And I went back in. And I went back to the aisle. And I touched all the crib sheets. And I held back tears. And I think I was still able to hide that from my mom.

I let myself become weaker than whatever this confusing unfamiliar reaction was. I did want these things. I do need these things. I will buy these things.

But which one? Oh my goodness, which one of all these pretty little perfectly squared up yummy looking little crib sheets? And how many crib sheets does one need, anyway?And what's with all these gender assigned designs? And will my baby like elephants?

And at this point, my mom was on board with the idea of buying crib sheets for my baby, her grandchild. This was happening, I was not in control, and I was having an out of body experience, watching myself having these emotions, surrendering to these emotions. I'm not even sure what these emotions are. Nesting? Gullibility? Panic? Insecurity? What. the. hell.? Why was I not fighting this harder? Why was I not winning?

And so.


And good bye, Target. I won't be visiting you for awhile.

Around here:

Mr. Hands is managing to work from home more often. | Our first CSA box arrived. | Belle on the shelf overhead. This was intended to be a Simon-spot, but she always moves in. | The next piece of the nursery in place. | A new project is afoot. | See? She always moves in.

Lots of nesting going on around here. This week I have left the house twice: totally ok with that.

Right Now

Outside my window: the Nissan sits, needing to be washed, moved, and passed on to my folks.

I am thankful: for having made a new friendship recently.

I am wearing: new black & grey striped sweater, silver necklace with red tear-drop stone, jeans, socks, and my clunky shoes.

I am working on: the quilt I almost finished before Christmas, so I can give it to Ellis & Sara & Camas next week.

I am going: to Zachary's first birthday party on Sunday.

I am reading: Major Pettigrew's Last Stand, Attaching in Adoption, and Sense of an Ending--the last one for the Red Rock Book Club, which I am feeling excited to be involved with again, even though I did not appreciate this book. I bought several new books this week; Brian informed me: the stack next to my bed has exceeded the height limit.

 I am thinking: about what to do with all the lemons.

I am hoping: for a fun, easy-going trip with my mom to visit my brother & his family.

I want: to unclutter the bedroom. Seriously, put away the suitcases from the Philippines trip already; it's been over a month. And maybe a Selphy 900.

I need: to finish the laundry I started days ago.

I am listening to: video tutorials on repeat about scrapbooking: Wilna, Lisa O, Janna, Laura C. I just love the sound of their voices & their thoughtful creativity inspires me.

Around the house: The shelves in the nursery are up. Brian did a great job, and I'm really proud of us for having this idea and carrying it out so well.

Something new: two things actually: a car named Colly bird, and invisible braces.

A favorite: Brian surprised me yesterday with a gift, wrapped in lovely striped paper, which contained a sweater and a long ruffled skirt that are both cozy and elegant.

Memory Lane: the honeymoon photos

Been going down memory lane this week. Sometimes I look at these photos and think, "Who ARE these people?" Then I take another look and think, "Not much has changed. Same shy crooked smile, same round-tipped nose, same wild hair."